The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
