i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
