i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
