eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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