I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
