So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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