Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
