I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
