I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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