Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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