My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
