I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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