He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
