oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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