Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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