absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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