i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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