if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
