Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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