I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
