In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
