I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
