dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
