you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Princesses don't give blow jobs
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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