Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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