the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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