Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
