I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize