If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
