i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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