I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
