Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
