I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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