there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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