I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
