I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
did i walk over a car last night?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
