Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
