after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
