he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
