he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
