I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
and you fell through a lawn chair
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