Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
