apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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