Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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