i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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