Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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