I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
