I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
