I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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