i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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