i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
