Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
