Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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