I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
