the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
