I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
