Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
