I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
