i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
