How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
