Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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