I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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