I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
