She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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