I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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