i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
