Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
